Bully For You

Okay, so anyone who knows me, knows that I was the biggest bully target on Earth when I was a kid.  It literally took me years to get over being that kid and sometimes I still have issues with it.  Bullying is a crime.  It is absolutely horrible what children put each other through.  Every time I read yet another story about some torture a child lived through or killed him/herself because of, I thank the sky that I had the family that I had because I had the support I needed to get through it.  There were times I would sit in my room thinking about how much easier life would be if I didn't wake up.  I never considered suicide, but I surely contemplated not existing.

Now that I am a parent, I tackle bullying head on.  Both of my children know with certitude that there are two things I will not tolerate; cruelty and lying.  Not that I would ever have to be concerned with them being cruel, they are both very kind, very sensitive children.  They just know that if anyone says anything to them or does anything to them that I won't let it stand and they know that if they are the perpetrators there are hefty consequences.  My children will not be killing themselves because of bullying and they will not be causing those feelings in others.

That said, we come to the reason for my topic...I was bullied.  So many times in my life I have thought  "well, they just pick on me because they don't know me"  or "jerks, I don't wanna be your friend anyway.(yes I do)"  I never understood what made bullies take notice of me...until a couple of days ago.

I was speaking with a friend about family resemblences and telling her I had none and she didn't believe me so I decided to start snapping photos of my old photos.  Now I know why bullies noticed me.  I have no excuses for their behavior, but I was so tragic that it would be tough to not notice...

This is me watching fireworks...you might say "oh, she isn't tragic..." but I think this may have been the last non-tragic photo of my childhood.  As it turns out, the 80's were not kind.  What is really sad is that I remember dearly loving some of the clothing I wore and I remember looking in the mirror and finding the reflection not only passible, but attractive.  Seems I was deeply hair blind.

For instance:  notice this lovely mullet ensemble that I have going on here.  These were taken somewhere around the 4th grade.  I was Student of the Week (Which I will go into this selection process later on some time) I should have a respite from cruel cruel fate for being good.  Someone should have noticed I needed help before this point?  Maybe because it was the 80's everyone needed help?

         

As cruel as Fate seems to be with the hair and un merciful even in light of deeds done right, You would think the bitch would throw me a bone in the fashion sense department, but that's a big no too. (I was so much a lesbian even back then...it's amazing I wasn't tucking my green flannel into my teal skinnies.)  Observe my lovely fashion sense in this delightful photo of me...my glasses...and my sweatshirt...TUCKED IN!?!  There really should be a limit to the humiliating things you can do to yourself in one childhood, but it really seems that I applied for a permit to humilite myself and draw the eagle eyes of every bully within a 10 mile radius....

A FREAKING PERM!!!!

That's right, I got a perm.  WTH, Really?!?!  Had I not learned that in order to not get picked on you had to draw the attention aways from yourself?  No, here I am sporting a bright blonde poodle perm, a vivid yellow silk shirt, and bright red pants.  I am so a target.  I should have tattooed a target on my back.

I give no excuse to those children who hurt other children in anyway.  I hurt deeply when I hear that my children have been picked on. I will say that as a child, I had no idea what I did to deserve the cruelty that was inflicted on me and I know that as an adult several people have found me and apologized for the things they personally did to me.  It 's all good. people have to clear their consciences.  I have long ago forgiven.  After my friend Matt killed himself in our sophomore year, I hated so deeply all the people who hurt him and us and all the little nerdy, weak people.  That hate ate me alive and I had to let it go to become healthy.

I also know that my tragic physical appearance may have been part of what got me noticed, but my back-talking, trash-talking, overly defensive mouth is what made me a victim.  

Nowadays, I just kick it with my little nerdy kids and everyday I give them all the love and support I can so that they will have the internal strength to stand up against the things kids seem to inflict upon each other.  I hope that I have what it takes and am the mother they will need if/when things get tough.