And no, I am not talking about vampires. I’m talking about the women of Texas. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, I actually have a fair amount of admiration for the skill involved in coordinating the vast array of sparkly accessories so as not to be gaudy but, as in many works of art, to draw the eye across the entire body.
The women of Texas are a breed entirely separate form the women that exist anywhere else in the world. Don’t get me wrong, every other woman on earth is capable of the things I am talking about but, for some reason, there are just more women in Texas that do.
Interesting quirks about Texas Women:
- They don’t have to use a “bump-it.” They seem to be born with the knowledge of how to make their hair just do that. Maybe it’s a genetic thing? Regardless, the perfectly coiffed “Texas Bump” is at once a masterwork and a curiosity. It makes me wonder…should my hair do that?
<<<<She is OBVIOUSLY from Texas!
They glitter. I am not joking when I say that the women of Texas sparkle. Sure, their personalities are great, but I am meaning this in the most literal sense. If their clothing doesn’t sparkle, they find a way to add it. It often starts from the ground up. For instance, were you aware that you can buy lotion that leaves your skin with
a light sheen of glitter? I wasn’t. It’s applied right after you get out of the shower, no matter where you might be going after said shower! They get glittery acrylic nails…on their TOES!!! Their fingernails send sparkling shimmers glinting off surrounding surfaces every time a light hits them, and even though you don’t want to, you stare. Their shoes all glitter; regardless of the age of the wearer or the intended function of the shoe. Often, I have seen denim with a smattering of glitter or a design in rhinestones. You may think I am representing this as a negative, and in some ways, it is a bit much (I’m sorry, the glitter on your shoes doesn’t coordinate with the glitter lotion, glitter jeans, glitter shirt, or any of your sparkly accessories. You do, however; make a lovely accessory to any disco….FAIL.)
They wear boots with anything and everything. There isn’t an outfit that boots don’t go with. And what’s really sick…they always look good. Now, Heidi Klum may not agree with the wearing of one of these outfits, but I can attest that most of the women I have seen sporting these looks are gorgeous.
The women of Texas are ballsy. Maybe it’s the extreme nationalistic pride….OOOPS, STATE pride. Everyone here thinks that Texas is the best place on Earth. Many of the religions here have converted their biblical translations to replace the word “Heaven” with “Texas.” Seriously, how many states do you see tattooed on people?? I mean it, type “Texas tattoos” into Google Image search sometime…
The women here are powerful women. They are typically very driven and know exactly how to get what they want. And the funny part is, most of them are really nice about how they do it. I have never met a set of women so successfully achieve so much. Their confidence never seems to waver. They are from the "greatest place on Earth," thereby they are the greatest people on Earth. It’s compelling and also tiring to see.
When I moved here, I openly mocked the regiment of the “glitter” people. I mean, I just didn’t comprehend the seeming “need” that drove them to such light-reflecting lengths. I have fought my conversion into the realms of being Texan. I laughed when people told me that I would convert.
The thing is, these women are beautiful and they are oh, so proud. They wake up in the morning and regardless of their mood, they put on their sparkle and go out and conquer the world. The are fastidiously hygienic, they smell good, and they typically refresh any space they are in with their subtle hospitalities and their confident optimism that "nothing can cause them to fail because they are from Texas.”
I envy them the ability to go from waking up to Miss Universe in twenty minutes. I envy perfectly applied mascara and the ability to walk in 5” peep toe stilettos. I envy the ability to look perfect in sweats and ball gowns (though I have never seen any wearing both at the same time, I bet they could set a new trend.) I envy them going to the gym, working out hard for two hours, and still having perfectly applied make-up that hasn’t sweat itself off.
While I may never become fully a Texan, I have found myself happy to live here. I recently caught myself telling someone that I didn’t want their snow because I wanted my Texas sunshine back. *GASP!* I am a Montanan, and as much as I don’t have a tattoo of my home state among my collection of tattoos, I do miss mountains and rivers, however; I don’t much miss the cold. 
And I must add that I will probably never have the ability to apply a perfect coat of mascara or an even glossing of body shimmer but, I do desire to have sparkly toenails (though not acrylic.)
I will never own 5” glittery peep-toe stilettos and my girlfriend and I both agree that my lack of most cosmetics is a good thing. And I understand that this may disqualify me, for all time, from being a Texas Woman. I can, however; accessorize my day with the accoutrements of Texan Woman in training….
^^Bling Cup^^
Watch out world, this girl may yet be seen applying mascara waiting at the light!
